Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
She is larger then a hippo. You could cut her open in the middle of a blizzard and crawl in like Luke skywalker. Throw a couch and a tv in there and you're set
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Randomize
