my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
