Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
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