I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
