Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
