Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
