I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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