he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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