If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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