You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
