Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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