I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
