shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
love makes seman taste better
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
