3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Can you bring me the toilet please
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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