Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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