My cat gives me a boner
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
