Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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