I'm sorry my penis didn't work
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
