I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
