i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
