My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
