i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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