mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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