Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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