dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
