I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
