trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
barbara walters just said penis...
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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