I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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