We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
