Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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