my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
