he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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