Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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