so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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