did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
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