He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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