He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
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