i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
