i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
