Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
only if we run a train.
done.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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