fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
Randomize
