Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling
God, I love San Francisco.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
