I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Randomize
