The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Randomize
