my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
How bad was it?
You ran around telling everyone that you were going to click them to death on google earth
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
