Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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