I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
he was CRYING into my vagina
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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