And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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