Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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