I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
