i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
splinters make it hard to masturbate
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
